Weird Dream

I don't usually put too much stock in dreams, but when the point is as obvious as it was in the other night's dream, it's kind of hard to miss.

First, a little background. I realized pretty quickly after 9/11 that I had lost faith in the American Dream, the idea that if you have some ability, and you work hard, and you get a break or two, and you're a good person, you'll succeed. Everything in my life seemed to support that. I did well in high school and got into a good college. I did well in college and got into a good law & business school. I did fairly well in law school and business school and moved to New York and started working my way toward becoming a partner. I was a very good lawyer.

Then, I lost my sense of safety and security, I lost my sense of self, I lost my wife, I lost my job, I lost my apartment, I lost my belief that if you work hard you would succeed, etc.. Instead, I came to believe "Why try if it can all be ripped away from you so easily?"

But, after the other night's dream I think there was a piece missing in my belief. The intermediate step.

In the dream, I was back in college. As usual in dreams, it wasn't the college I went to or the dorm I lived in, but a facsimile of them. The person I have a conversation with in the dream was an associate at a law firm in New York where I worked on 9/11. In the dream, there were about 10 people living in the dorm room. Everyone got up in the morning and went to class, but I was just hanging out, not doing anything. The guy asked me "Aren't you going to get dressed and go to class?" I responded "No, what's the point?" He said something about that's what we were supposed to do. We're here in college to learn and prepare for life.

I exploded in a rage and started punching the lockers. (Yes, in my dream, there were high school metal book lockers in our dorm room.) I was screaming "It doesn't matter what I do! I'm going to lose everything anyway! Why try? What does it matter? What's the point of doing anything if it's all going to end up being taken away from you. If I'm going to lose everything in the end, I'd rather not push myself now. I'd rather not go to class. I'd rather lie in bed and watch TV. I'd rather be lazy and not do anything if it's all going to be for nothing in the end!"

My friend patiently explained that we do things not for the end goal, but for themselves. My friend, who is a fitness buff, said he runs and exercises not because it'll help him get the girl or because he'll life longer, but because exercise and eating well is a benefit in and of itself. It makes him happier today. In other words, it may all get taken away from him in the future, but in the interim, he's happier and feels better because he exercises and eats healthy. He works, not because he wants to be president or a CEO someday, but because it improves his life today.

That's all I remember of the dream.

I'm adding that as #3 on my list of big realizations this year.